THE CENTER FOR RELATIONSHIPS
AND SEXUALITY
THE CENTER FOR RELATIONSHIPS
AND SEXUALITY
When a sexual thought, fantasy, or behavior becomes a source of concern
Some sexual concerns are especially difficult to disclose.
You may be troubled by a fantasy, desire, fetish, pattern of arousal, behavior, or form of sexual expression that you do not understand. You may fear what it says about you. You may have tried to suppress it, reason it away, confess it, act upon it, or manage it through a standard treatment program without reaching the underlying problem.
You may also be uncertain whether the problem lies in the desire itself, in the way you are responding to it, in its effects upon a relationship, or in the shame and secrecy surrounding it.
This is work I am prepared to undertake with you.
A person is more than a diagnosis
Terms such as paraphilia, fetish, compulsive sexual behavior, and sex addiction may sometimes provide useful language. They may also oversimplify a complicated human life.
Not every unusual desire is a disorder. Not every behavior is harmless. A label by itself tells us very little about the particular person, the function of the desire, the relational setting, or the choices that must be made.
The work may involve distinguishing among:
• thought, fantasy, desire, intention, and action
• consensual and nonconsensual possibilities
• private erotic life and behavior that affects others
• shame arising from actual harm and shame arising from difference
• compulsion and freely chosen behavior
• moral conflict and psychological distress
• the wish to change a desire and the need to change one’s relationship to it
• what can be accepted, what must be contained, and what requires responsible action
Consent, safety, legality, and the well-being of others are addressed directly when they are relevant. The work neither excuses harm nor treats you as reducible to your most troubling thought.
You may be seeking help because:
• a sexual fantasy or interest frightens or confuses you
• you are preoccupied with something you do not wish to act upon
• your behavior feels increasingly difficult to control
• secrecy has begun to divide your life
• a partner has discovered something you had kept hidden
• an interest is consensual but has become a source of shame or conflict
• you have been given a diagnosis or label that does not adequately explain your experience
• standard behavioral advice has not reached the emotional or relational roots of the problem
• religious, spiritual, or moral beliefs have intensified your fear or shame
• you need a clinician who will neither panic nor minimize
The first conversation does not require a complete disclosure. We can begin with what you are presently able to say.
A deeper clinical approach
Sexuality can carry many meanings. It may become connected to attachment, power, submission, loss, aggression, tenderness, recognition, humiliation, identity, creativity, rebellion, grief, transcendence, or the longing to be known.
Understanding those meanings does not automatically resolve every conflict. It can, however, make it possible to move beyond limiting repetitive behavior, frightened self-surveillance, and moral or psychological simplification.
The aim is to develop a fuller understanding of what is happening and to help you make choices that are fulfilling, responsible, and possible to sustain.